I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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