I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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