I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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