I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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