apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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