After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
