well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
