ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize