I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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