i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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