Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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