Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
