You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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