who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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