So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
