every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize
