At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
