this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
