Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
