My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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