I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
