Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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