So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
