Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
