Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
