I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
