hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
