last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
