Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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