Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
