just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
