I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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