my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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