Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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