Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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