Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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