dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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