U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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