tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
