Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
