My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
there is glitter all over my balls
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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