I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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