She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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