we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
