Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
