Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
