I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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