i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
