Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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