I think I died a long time ago.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
