My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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