I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
