i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
