Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
