I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
