Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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