I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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