I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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