I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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