Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
