I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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