At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well I just put wine in my tea
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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