why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
